Ambition 9/26/11

Ambition. This is what is giving me nerves today, why I woke up at 5:30 this morning.  I’m nervous about this term of teaching as I’ll be teaching more hours than I’ve ever taken on.  Fifteen at PIA, three at MU, and three more at Clark. It’s these last two classes that matter the most to me as I look forward into what I want to accomplish. One of my goals has always been to become a full-time teacher of writing at the college level. Because I have achieved other such goals to surprising results, I know that I can also achieve this dream of mine. I feel that I’m moving in the right direction, and this will fuel my energy in these classes. 

I’ve always felt that ambition was a dirty word.  Somehow, I got it into my head that an ambitious person was hell bent on squashing people and exploiting whomever and whatever was within reach in order to attain the object of his greed. Greed has been my synonym for ambition for a very long time. I wonder now where this equation began. Certainly not from my father, as he definitely was an ambitious person who understood when and how to achieve goals. He also know which goals to set. Getting there was a little bumpy sometimes but he always looked out for his own: this was not greed; it was ambition. Perhaps I can trace my mistaken understanding back to some notion of “Success” and my abhorrence of those who flaunt their wealth in society, often to the great shame of the lesser privileged.  This notion, which I think is a deeply rooted value in me, probably sprang from some idea that I was not good enough, that I would always be of the lesser privileged and therefore will ever be struggling to reach unattainable heights and status.

And yet. And yet as I look back in my life, I see progress has occurred when I attune myself to the task at hand. Being aware of what needs to be accomplished now and how it will benefit not only myself but others can be of great solace when I feel that I am working for nothing, to no end. It is now that matters. Yes, I have had a self-defeatist history. Yes, many of my pursuits have been selfish and misguided. And yet. And yet, I find that I am back on track, ready to take on a new challenge that I know will bring me closer to who I am.

So, my friend and advisor, poet Matthew Shenoda  gave a keynote talk on ambition, that for writers ambition is required. A necessity. When Matthew aired these words it was as if something was finally released in me. Someone I deeply admire had spoken it: that ambition was a trait of self-respect that must be nurtured in order for the creative self to become confident and willing to lay down the unique vision of the soul. A snow crystal must be frozen in its state for thousands of plummeting feet before anyone on the ground can appreciate its own peculiar wonders. This is determination!

So as I begin my first classes of Winter 2011 today at [omitted] it will be with a new sense that I am stepping out onto a new plane. Teaching Grammar and Reading in ESL I now will regard as polishing the material I need for teaching the LIT 200 and ENGL 097 classes before me. I will be teaching now with a force behind me—ambition—which will grow and fuel me as I move forward. No more second guessing, no more self criticism.  When I can name my destination, I will reach it.